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1994-03-14
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ESTATE AGENTS VOCABULARY
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IN NEED OF MODERNIZATION - Estate agents volcabulary to watch out for when
buying a house:
Unusual location:- In the path of a projected motorway
Local authority grants:- About to be condemned
available
Period residence:- Built in the last two years
Select neighbourhood:- Beside sewage works
Compact:- Tiny
Country gentleman's :- No longer suitable for agricultral
residence tenants
Unusual features:- No roof
Delightful rural location:- In flight path of nuclear bomber base
Box room:- Suitable for accommodating one or two
large cardboard boxe's (folded)
A wealth of period :- Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an
features electrical circuit best operated in rubber
gloves and wellies.
Quite,secluded setting:- On site of proposed dormitory town
Well situated:- In full vew of the neighbours
Within easy distance of :- Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop
local amenities
Rare opportunity to buy:- No one else want's it
For the gardening enthusiast:- Grounds like a jungle
Extensively modernized:- Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the
strain
Unspoilt:- Planning permission granted for field next
door
Deceptive appearance:- It looks terrible
Partial central heating:- The room above the boiler can get warm in
summer
Easily maintained:- Requires at least two gardeners and live-in
maid
Usefull outbuildings:- No inside bog
Much sought after:- It's been on the market at least twice
before and still no one wants it
By private treaty:- If it went to auction it would never
reach the reserve price
Owner eager to sell:- If it goes within a week the subsidence
cracks won't be noticed
Subject to new instructions:- Thay have just decoverd death watch beetle
Sold:- Unless idiots like you offer a higher price